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Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 17 and 14. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Monday, November 5, 2012

We're Going on a Bear Hunt, or How to Put Your Kids in Peril

My girls were both in Girl Scouts when they were younger, and yes, I was a leader for a time. (Shut up, I'm awesome with kids, a real role model!) I remember a bunch of sing-song camp type poems that the girls used to sing, like Herman The Worm and Little Bunny Foo Foo, but there was always one that I never gave much thought to until I saw that it was an actual honest to God book. We're Going On A Bear Hunt. And imagine my surprise when it turns out that the group of people going ON the actual bear hunt aren't a group of scouts or even hunters that are going on said bear hunt.

And this leads me to today's blog, brought to you by the lovely Nicole over at Ninja Mom and her Character Assassination Carousel.


Courtesy of www.NinjaMomBlog.com

The Character Assassination Carousel is a place where parents get to tell the REAL story behind a favorite children's book. I've wanted to do this for awhile and now I have the opportunity to rip to shreds give my take on the book We're Going On A Bear Hunt.



The story starts off nice enough, dad taking the kids on a little adventure. Sadly, mom couldn't make the trip because she's at the bar looking for therapy in the bottom of a bottle of Grey Goose.  Why? Because her husband and their adventurous family has finally driven her over the edge of sanity. She's had enough of camping, bugs, rats, roaches and his constant methods of teaching the kids about the great outdoors. She was apparently the wife on Green Acres in a previous life.

So with mom at the bar, dad and the kids decide that they are, in fact, going on a bear hunt when they come upon several obstacles. The first one is pretty safe: grass. Long wavy grass. And as they proceed with every obstacle they face, they can't go over it, they can't go under it, they have to go through it. Now, this is fine when we're talking about long wavy grass and it's even sort of bearable when they face the thick, oozy mud. Sure it's dirty but good thing they're coming to the next obstacle, the river. The deep, cold river. Nice, dad. That deep, cold river you're dragging those little kids through is sure to rid them of all that thick, oozy mud. If they don't drown first. Asshole. Look at little Suzy Lou, lifting her dress up to show her granny panties because she doesn't want to get the dress she's wearing wet. And seriously? Is a dress the appropriate attire for a bear hunt anyway?


Next obstacle they face: A forest. A big, dark forest. Jesus, no wonder mom's an alcoholic! Didn't this jackass ever hear of Disney World? No, he's not taking his kids on an adventure to the 'happiest place on Earth', not this guy. He's not raising any sissies. He's taking them into the big dark forest where there could be murderers, rapists or even bears! Oh wait, that's what we're going for here. Sorry.


So, naturally since they can't go over it, and they can't go under it, by all means, let's drag the kiddies through the big, dark forest. And what do they come upon on the other side of the big, dark forest?? Well of course it's a swirling, whirling snowstorm!


And of course, being 'Father of the Year' he conveniently forgets that it's fucking wintertime and his kids don't have jackets. Or shoes. But does he care??? Of course not. They're on a bear hunt for Christ sake. This is FUN, remember? The kids are grassy, muddy, wet, scared from the forest and now you're going to give them all pneumonia by dragging their sorry asses through a Goddamn snowstorm. Both parents should be thrown in jail for child endangerment. Mom for being a raging alcoholic who abandons her brood when they need her most, and dad for being a complete dumbass douchebag fucktard for dragging his children on this little escapade in the first place. What the hell is wrong with this guy? I think the sequel to this book ought to be called We're Going to Family Services Where Mom and Dad Lose Custody!

Now, just when you thought they had faced all of the obstacles that they can possibly face and STILL remain a loving, close-knit family, next up on the docket: a scary dark cave. OF COURSE! Come on, kids, what could possibly go wrong by taking your babies into a scary dark cave? You moron. There are bears in caves!! Oh wait, that's the point! It's a bear hunt! So the family obviously can't go under it, and they can't go over it, they have to go through it. And what to their wondering eyes should appear in a scary dark cave??? How about a fucking bear?? "OH NO, IT'S A BEAR!!!" Well duh, dumbass, you're going on a bear hunt and guess what! You found one. Nice going, Ward Cleaver. So let's take inventory shall we?



We've dragged our little brood over hill and dale, through storms, rivers, forests and into caves to find a bear, and what do we do when we find a bear?? Well of course, we turn around and haul ass out of the cave. Out into the fucking snowstorm, back through the Goddamn dark scary forest, back through the river where Suzy Lou has to lift up her dress again showing God and all the creatures of the forest her Goddamn granny panties for a second time (you just know she'll either be in therapy or a hooker by the time she's 12), back through the thick, oozy mud, to the long, wavy grass and back home where they proceed to climb into Daddy's bed (don't even get me started on this one) and hide from the bear, who naturally followed the family, because, well, they woke him up and he's fucking hungry and 7-11 won't sell him any beef jerky or burritos.



So yeah, he follows this stupid-ass father and his fucked up kids back to their house and would you look at that? They forgot to close the front door! Instead of Dad delegating (sacrificing) one of his offspring to the bear, the whole damned family (minus mom, of course, who is now passed out in the back alley behind the bar) goes back downstairs to shut the front door. This, obviously, lets the bear know that he is not granted access to the house, and his meal ticket is lost. I actually rooted for the bear in this story, hoping he'd have a full meal.



But you know what? It's okay, because the bear knows a shortcut back to the cave. He has to go right by the bar where mom was getting shitfaced, and when he finds her drunk ass passed out in the alley behind the bar, he drags her back to his cave and leaves the family motherless as he dines on her body. Who has the last laugh now, you dumbass dad??

Image courtesy: Wikimedia.org

If you’d like to post about one of your kids’ books and take a ride on 
NinjaMom’s Character Assassination Carousel,
let me or Nicole from NinjaMomBlog know. She’d love to have you.
Last blogger on the carousel was Kim at Let Me Start By Saying
 Next up: Toulouse from Toulouse and Tonic takes a spin.

30 comments:

  1. I've read this too many times to even realize what happens in the story. I'm too zoned out by the time they hit the "woo hoo" snowstorm to pay attention to the fact that they are in mortal danger.

    Maybe it's a good story for keeping kids in line. "You eat those peas or we're going on a bear hunt!"

    Great assassination, Snarky! Love it!

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    1. Thanks so much for the opportunity!! I had a blast writing this!

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  2. Bwah ha ha! Oh I so want to be an assassin! I always liked the little chant we did when I taught preschool, but I have always hated this book because it never made any sense! Great job!

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    1. sadder, if you do, contact Nicole and find a good book to assassinate!

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  3. This. Is. Brilliant. - Beyond.
    And seriously, no one uses the word 'fucktard' enough anymore. Well done. ;)
    I wanna play!! I am obsessed with these assassinations. I'd like to rip apart that psychotic mama bunny from Runaway Bunny. She cray-cray.

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    1. Thanks Michelle! I had an absolute blast ripping this story apart. Check out the link in the blog to the Character Assassination Carousel and see if that book has already been done!

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  4. That was hilarious! Thanks for giving me a great laugh today!

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  5. Seriously.Dies.Laughing!
    I swear when my daughter came home from Kindergarten singing this I was horrified. Then I was horrified even more when she wanted the book with the DVD. Stupid mom I am, I bought it. Nightmares I tell ya. Your version is so much better.
    Found you through Judy. LOVE your blog so much I added it to my blogroll and mentioned you on my blog today!

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    1. Thanks so much Amy!! Going to check out your blog now!

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    2. Yep you are a goddess...I only speak the truth. Especially when I find the stash of wine. Then everything spills out. Being a retired Royal, we still keep an eye out for more girls to add to our circle. I was the Dame...if you want to know why I was dubbed The Dame, ask Judy. LOL

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  6. At the end of this story, my 2-year-old daughter always says, "Aw, poor bear, didn't get to eat any people... Now he's still hungry..."

    =)

    xoxo

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  7. Hi-fucking-larious. LOVE this!

    ~Crazy Mama Drama

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  8. I'm a visitor from Ninja Mom's. Love your assassination skills. No wonder wives are afraid of leaving their husbands up to their own devices. Especially when children are involved! This guy is not doing our gender any favors.

    Then again... maybe they're right to be a little cautious.

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  9. I have to say, the character assassination is new to me... and BRILLIANT!! Can we do it to TV shows (I mean really, like I have time to read with my children, what with all the wine drinking, tweeting, writing, and crying going on)? I'd like to take on Caillou. Pretty much in any context. I'll just do the back story. I'm sure there is a book out there some where with his dumb, bald, whiny ass on it.

    You are hysterical! I'll be back!!

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    1. Get in touch with Nicole at Ninja Mom and she'll hook you up! I had so much fun doing this. Thanks!!

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    2. Caillou. I hated that little whiny fucktard... I might walk to the ends of the earth to PUBLISH your character assassination of him. Little shit.

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  10. Thanks Ellen!! Glad you enjoyed it! :)

    Teri

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  11. OMFG! This was the funniest shit I have read in a long time!!! Bravo Bravo!

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  12. OMG, the very end actually made me choke on my tea (yes, I drink tea and not coffee, because I'm 80). I love that the mom got shit-faced and, to be honest, if I was married to a guy like this, I'd be hoping a bear ate me, too.

    Thanks for the Friday laugh!!!

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  13. That was awesome, Ma'am. Once again, you win the prize for "Wit, Humor and Sarcastic Integrity" XOXO

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  14. Loved this one, Teri!! One of my favorites on the Carousel!! I hated that song as a girl scout--because DUH! There was always trouble, and I've never been the daredevil kind of girl. I like your version better because I always felt like *something* needed to actually happen or dumb people, like the Dad, would think they could just jump up and go on a bear hunt!

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    1. As a former Girl Scout leader, I was THRILLED to take this one on, Jen. And I do hope the bear had a nice side salad to go with his main course of Dad Ass.

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